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An Honour That I Dream Not Of

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Feb. 12th, 2006 | 09:22 pm
posted by: andrastewhite in spy_santa

Rating: Call it PG for vaguely adult themes.

Disclaimer: So not mine.

Recipient: tellitslant

Summary: One explanation for a photograph.

Author's Notes: Wow, this is really late. Firstly because my computer exploded (well, not quite, but it might as well have done for all the use it was to me in January) and then because I thought that since I'd taken so long already I might as well try to make the story suck less. I don't know how well I did at that, mind you *g*.



An Honour That I Dream Not Of

By Andraste

It's a small gravestone, but to Katya it still seems far too large for the passing that it commemorates. It seems faintly ridiculous that such a short life should merit such a costly memorial.

"It wasn't your fault."

Irina says it as if stating a fact, not to give her sibling comfort. Perhaps it's true, perhaps not. She doesn't have an answer.

Katya has realized that it is unimportant, anyway. It no longer matters that she did not want a child, that she resented her daughter from the moment she first realized she was pregnant. Nor does it matter that she wept a river when she died, suddenly and for no reason at all. It has come down to the same thing, a lump of cold stone and a few photographs she can't bear to look at.

"I have to go," Irina says, putting a hand on Katya's shoulder.

She means that she must leave the country country, not that they should go in out of the cold of the cemetery. Katya would like to be angry with her sister for leaving her with nobody but Elena - nobody with any sense, anyway - at a time like this, but she knows that the work is important. If having a baby made her feel grown up, then losing her has made her ancient. Her sister could be stuck in America for years, playing the dutiful housewife of some grey CIA man, but she will manage somehow.

"I understand. I doubt the KGB would be pleased if you pulled out now because your little sister needs a shoulder to cry on."

Irina half smiles. "You must promise to be sensible while I'm away, Katya."

Katya knows what Irina means - not to get herself pregnant to any more strangers whose last names she doesn't even know - but she smiles back, for the first time in a week. "I have resolved never to be sensible again." Even a
few months of motherhood gave her enough of that for one lifetime.

"I thought as much," Irina sighs.

"Don't worry for me, Irochka." Irina has somehow outgrown the diminutive, but Katya knows with certainty that she will never be staid Ekaterina, who sounds like somebody's mother, again. "I'm made of stronger stuff than you think."

"You can start again," Irina says.

Katya thinks that there will be no more children. Yelena lacks the interest, Irina the opportunity and Katya herself the nerve to go through with it
again. There will only be the three of them. Perhaps she should join the KGB herself. It was what she'd wanted before, and there is nothing now to stop her from following in her sisters' footsteps.

"I will," she agrees, knowing that she doesn't mean the same thing that her sister meant.

She bends over the gravestone and kisses it, finding it even colder than the corpse of her child. If she wishes that she had something to hold her back
or tie her down, that no longer matters either.

The End

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Comments {8}

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Andraste

(no subject)

from: andrastewhite
date: Mar. 9th, 2006 10:30 am (UTC)
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Oh, I like this -- such an interesting look at why Katya is who she later appears to be; and I'm always a sucker for sisterly conversations.

I wish we could see Katya and Irina on screen together, but fanfiction fills the void *g*. Those mysterious Derevkos intrigue me.

Thank you!

I'm just sorry I was so late *g*.

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sister moon

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from: melanie_anne
date: Feb. 12th, 2006 02:56 pm (UTC)
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Oh.
This is just . . . it makes perfect sense.

Great story :)

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Andraste

(no subject)

from: andrastewhite
date: Mar. 9th, 2006 10:29 am (UTC)
Link

Oh.
This is just . . . it makes perfect sense.

Great story :)


Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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Une Frakkante Cylonne

(no subject)

from: sunshine_queen
date: Feb. 12th, 2006 05:58 pm (UTC)
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Oh, the baby in the picture.

I really liked this- it explains so much of Katya's character and the way you presented everything was beautiful.

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Andraste

(no subject)

from: andrastewhite
date: Mar. 9th, 2006 10:28 am (UTC)
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I really liked this- it explains so much of Katya's character and the way you presented everything was beautiful.

Thank you, I'm glad that you liked it. Katya is such a fascinating enigma.

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more fabulist than historian

(no subject)

from: tellitslant
date: Feb. 12th, 2006 10:25 pm (UTC)
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Ooooh, this is fascinating. No worries with the lateness - I understand computer woes! This is a great bit of background for Katya anda neat explanation for the photograph. thanks very much! :)

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Andraste

(no subject)

from: andrastewhite
date: Mar. 9th, 2006 10:27 am (UTC)
Link

Ooooh, this is fascinating. No worries with the lateness - I understand computer woes!

Your forbearance is greatly appreciated *g*.

This is a great bit of background for Katya anda neat explanation for the photograph. thanks very much! :)

I'm glad you liked it!

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